Mental illness. Again.
You know, sometimes it seems as if i am "healed" from my mental illness. I feel amazing. I have days or even weeks where i feel "normal". Depression and anxiety seem to be a thing of the past. I am strong and i got this.
Then other times, it hits me like a ton of bricks. For no particular reason. No real trigger. Just one minute i feel fine and the next i am pretending i am feeling fine.
I still manage to get up and take care of my kids.
I still manage to get up and go to work.
I still manage to feed my kids dinner. To bathe my kids. To make sure the laundry gets done and the house gets cleaned.
I appear 100% fine. And to outsiders, I am.
Yet.. the entire time it's like i am in another place. I am just going through the motions. Almost like i am a ticking time bomb. Waiting for the next thing that will just push me over the edge.
And then it hits me. Like an explosion. One minute i feel like i have got this under control and the next i am sobbing for no real reason.
One minute i am folding laundry doing my mom chores and the next i can't even see clearly though the tears.
One minute i feel free and want to live life to the fullest and the next i am unsure of this future before me.
I don't want to feel.
I don't want to pretend.
I just want to, for even just a moment, let it all show.
But through it all, i know tomorrow i will wake up and feel as if i can concur the world. Even if right now, in this very moment, i feel as if this world, this life, is concurring me.
But right now, in this moment, i do not feel okay. I don't need pity. I don't need a lecture on how better days lay ahead. For now, i just need to feel what i am feeling. Because i know tomorrow i probably won't feel them. But these feelings i currently feel, at this moment of time, are real. And they do not deserve to be down played in any way.
I am human. I have flaws and faults. I have feelings.
And tonight, right now, i feel them.
#depression #anxiety #truth #feelings #darkdays #brighterdays